Re: Criticisms of my "tone" (was Re: A "cosmetic changes" commit that removes security fixes)

[Joshua Branson <jbranso@dismail.de>]

If you'll allow me to comment Mark, I would say that I valued your
commitment to discover how to avoid a repeat of the problem.  It is nice
to see someone truly care about a project and insist a problem does not
repeat itself.

In practical terms, putting a few smiley faces in emails probably
helps.  Especially near any criticisms of others.

May I mention two book recommendations that I've loved?  (Leaders are
readers, so I read a lot!)

Crucial Conversations is a fantastic book that argues that you can talk
about ANYTHING with anyone AND be completely respectful.  A crucial
conversation is something like "Honey, I don't think we make love
enough.  May we talk about that?"  THAT'S a CRUCIAL CONVERSATION.
Everybody is emotionally invested in the outcome of the conversation.

So how do you have a good conversation?

1) Focus on your goal.  Remind yourself that your goal is to be SUPER
respectful to all parties and also to show your point of view and also
to believe that you do not know everything and your solution may not be
the best one.   It is easy in crucial conversations to be silent or
violent.  To either SCREAM your view or not to express your view.  This
is a false choice.  You CAN be respectful AND persuasive AND open to be
persuaded.  :)

2)  Create dialog.  Dialog happens when there is free flow of
information.  This happens when both people are adding information to
the pool of shared meaning.  Dialog comes before the decision.  I like
to say something like, "Let's both honestly add information to our pool
of shared meaning.  Before we make a decision what are some objective
facts that we both should know?  Having more facts will help us reach a
better decision.  Please be completely honest.  What am I missing here?
What do you know that I don't?"

You can read more about some of the tips in crucial conversations.  But
that is perhaps one of the greatest books I've ever read.



Another great book is How to Win Friends and Influence People.  It's in
the public domain.  You can download it now.  Here are a couple of
principles that are super interesting.

- Never criticize.
  "I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter
  pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the
  existence of a hunted man."  -  Al  Capone.  Almost no one thinks of
  themselves as a bad person.  Criticizing almost never gets the result
  that you want.

  Lincoln was considered to be one of America's greatest leaders.  He
  learned the hard way that criticizing is a terrible idea.  It almost
  cost him his life.

  "In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by
  the name of James Shields.  Lincoln lampooned him through an anonymous
  letter published in the Springfield Journal.  The town roared with
  laughter. Shields, sensitive and proud, boiled with indignation.  He
  found out who wrote the letter, leaped on his horse, started after
  Lincoln, and challenged him to fight a duel.  Lincoln didn't want to
  fight.  He was opposed to dueling, but he couldn't get out of it and
  save his honor.  He was given the choice of weapons.  Since he had
  very long arms, he chose cavalry broadswords and took lessons in sword
  fighting from a West Point graduate; and on the appointed day, he and
  Shields met on a sandbar in the Mississippi River, prepared to fight
  to the death; but at the last minute, their seconds interrupted and
  stopped the duel.

  That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln's life.  It
  taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people.
  Never again did he write an insulting letter.  Never again did he
  ridicule anyone.  And from that time on, he never criticized anybody
  for anything."

  - Lavish people in praise (publicly if possible)
  "One of the first people in American business to be paid a salary of
  over a million dollars a year (when there was no income take and a
  person earning fifty dollars a week was considered well off) was
  Charles Schwab.  He had been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become the
  first president of the newly formed United States Steel Company in
  1921, when Schwab was only 38 years old.  (Schwab later left
  U.S. Steel to take over the then-troubled Bethlehem Steel Company, and
  he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies in America).

  Why did Andrew Carnegie pay a million dollars a year, or more than
  three thousand dollars a day, to Charles Schwab?  Why?  Because Schwab
  was a genius? No.  Because he know more about the manufacture of steel
  than other people?  Nonsense.  Charles Schwab told me himself that he
  had many men working for him who knew more about the manufacture of
  steel that he did.

  Schwab says that he was paid this salary largely because of his
  ability to deal with people.  I asked him how he did it.  Here is his
  secret set down in his own words --words that ought to be cast in
  eternal bronze and hung in every home and school, every shop and
  office in the land--words that children ought to memorize instead of
  wasting their time memorizing the conjugation of latin verbs or the
  amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil-- words that will all but
  transform your life and mine if we will only live by them:

  'I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people, said
  Schwab, 'the greastest asset I possess, and the way to develop the
  best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.'
  'There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as
  criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone.  I believe in
  giving a person incentive to work.  So I am anxious to praise but
  loath to find fault.  If I like anything, I am hearty in my
  approbation and lavish in my praise.'

  If you'll let me brag a little...I actually put Mr. Schwab's principle
  to the test.  I made a mailing list post on guix-devel entitled "Thank
  you for your leadership Ludo."  It was quite a thrill to have a
  pleasant public chat with Ludo:
  https://lists.gnu.org/archive/html/guix-devel/2020-04/msg00021.html To
  see Ludo suggest that I may influence him was a real joy.  Who am I to
  suggest anything to Ludo about guix?  Am I a genius?  No.  Frequent
  guix developer?  No.  I just happen to be lavish in my praise.


  I hope the above novel was worth the read.  :) I really think you are
  a fantastic, brilliant, and crucial part of guix's development team
  Mark.  And I hope the above encouraged you!

  Your friend!

  143*,

  Joshua

--
Joshua Branson (joshuaBPMan in #guix)
Sent from Emacs and Gnus
  https://gnucode.me
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  "You can have whatever you want, as long as you help
enough other people get what they want." - Zig Ziglar

  143* is Mr. Rogers secret way of saving "I love you."  Because there
  is 1 letter in "I", four letters in "love", and three letters in "you".